


Nicotine

by ineffable_grimm_pitch



Series: Carry On individual works [3]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, No Beta We Die Like Simon’s Will To Live, Not Beta Read, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Sexually Ambiguous Simon Snow, Songfic, Terrible Boyfriends, The fire scene, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:36:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22911100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineffable_grimm_pitch/pseuds/ineffable_grimm_pitch
Summary: Simon Snow is kneeling in front of me, staring into my eyes directly in front of his, and for the first time since I died, I feel alive.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On individual works [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615813
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82





	Nicotine

**BAZ**

_ Cross my heart and hope to die, burn my lungs and curse my eyes _

This is overwhelming. This is entire multitudes of overwhelming. 

Simon Snow is kneeling in front of me, staring into my eyes directly in front of his, and for the first time since I died, I feel alive.

I feel  _ everything. _

I feel the waves of heat rolling off the fire surrounding us, I feel the firm, dry ground beneath me, I feel Snow’s beautifully ordinary eyes boring into me, the way he does when he’s about to make another decision without thinking.

_ I’ve lost control and I don’t want it back, I’m going numb, I’ve been hijacked _

When he kisses me, I’m not expecting it. I’m hoping for it,  _ Merlin _ , I’m hoping for it, but I never thought he’d actually kiss me. 

I’m getting lost in it. Something outside of me (or rather, deep inside me) overtakes me and I can’t recognize myself for what I’m doing. It feels right, whatever it is, but I have no clue what I’m doing.

I’d willingly lose myself to Snow any day of the week. I give him everything I have; it’s his anyway. I think that, maybe, I’ve always belonged to Simon Snow. 

No, there’s no  _ maybe _ about it.

_ It’s a fucking drag, I taste you on my lips and I can’t get rid of you _

When I pull away, I can still feel everything. I feel everything a hundred times stronger than any normal person should. My lips are still warm from him and I can taste him in the air but I have to drink soon or I don’t trust myself around Snow. 

He summons a deer for me. Even its blood can’t overpower the taste of Simon.

I think I’m addicted to Simon Snow.

_ So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do, you’re worse than nicotine _

As I drive Snow back to my house, I consider pulling out a cigarette. (I’ve had a nasty smoking habit since Dev got me into it in sixth year.) I wonder if it’ll help get the taste of Simon out of my mouth.

I doubt it. 

What does this mean to him?

Crowley, this was a bad idea. He didn’t want me to die. He made a promise, and the bloody hero that he is, he has to keep it. He needs me alive to do that. 

I’m in love with him, and he needs me for his damned quest. 

I pull out a cigarette. It doesn’t help.

I am most definitely addicted to Simon Snow.

_ It’s better to burn than to fade away, it’s better to leave than to be replaced _

I should’ve run into that fire when I had the chance.

Snow’s kiss be damned, I should have pushed him away, I should have protested. 

But I’m weak. And disturbed. And apparently masochistic. 

_ I’m losing to you, baby, I’m no match, I’m going numb, I’ve been hijacked _

We drive in silence back to my house and I intend to tell him to leave when we get to my front door. But I look at him, and he looks tired. Confused. Conflicted. And I think he just needs something stable to ground him and,  _ Merlin _ , I want to be that for him.

_ It’s a fucking drag, I taste you on my lips and I can’t get rid of you _

We make it upstairs to my room. We’ve missed dinner, and some of the leftovers are already sitting in my room waiting for us. We don’t spend much time eating.

_ So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do, you’re worse than nicotine _

Simon’s lips are on mine again as soon as he can force a decent amount of food down. Something at the back of my head reminds me that he just wants me alive. He doesn’t want me, full stop. 

I push that thought away and lose myself once again in Simon Snow. 

_ Just one more hit and then we’re through, ‘cause you could never love me back _

Somehow we end up on my floor. He’s above me, and he’s making me reach up for him, which I’m more than willing to do. I’d do anything for Simon Snow, cross any line. 

In this moment, I don’t care what this means to him. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and I’ll deal with the feelings later. 

_ Cut every tie I have to you, ‘cause your love’s a fucking drag _

When we pull away, we somehow make our way back over to my bed. I don’t remember how, because Snow is in front of me, telling me that he’s a terrible boyfriend.

_ And I need it so bad _

But he wants to be my terrible boyfriend.

_ Your love’s a fucking drag _

Crowley. I want him to be my terrible boyfriend, too.

_ But I need it so bad _

I tell him as much. Neither of us gets many more words out. This is perfect. I’ve been wanting this for as long as I can remember. Snow’s lips are moving against mine. Simon Snow. My boyfriend. 

Crowley, I’m living a charmed life.

_ You’re worse than nicotine _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos make for a happy writer!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: @ineffable-grimm-pitch
> 
> Check out my other Carry On works in the series below (shameless self promo)


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